My Story: Sydnee

Hello, let me start off by introducing myself so you can get to know me before you read about my story. My name is Sydnee,

I’m originally from Vancouver, BC, but have moved to Edmonton to better my mental health and have a better living environment overall. You may be questioning this… Edmonton, AB, the place where it's flat and is always cold. Yes, I have found a better support group/ family support here and the living expenses have provided me with a better environment and leave me with more savings in my pocket at the end of the day. Vancouver is beautiful and I recommend anyone I meet to go there, but the downfall is how expensive it can and especially for a single individual in their 20’s…

I created ‘the sociable’ as my way of helping others heal their mental health or even although to feel like they aren’t alone because we’ve all experienced mental health in our own way and it's very important to continue bringing more awareness to this. I want to share my story, let alone my own struggles with mental health, in order to encourage others to do the same and hopefully, this can start a bigger conversation. It’s helped me immensely to open up to different individuals/ the internet lol, and I hope someone can relate to my story or understand that they aren’t alone… I don’t want you to live in fear, but embrace your own story and use this as the power to build yourself up.

Since my story is a long one I’ll summarize it the best I can so you aren’t stuck reading this all day.

My parents divorced when I was around 5 or 6 years old. I grew up wondering why and wondering where my dad was since over visitations ended abruptly after I witnessed them fighting over my older sister and me. I heard the screaming at the front door and I was curious so I listened, then I eventually made my way to peek around the corner to see the altercation take place. My mother had my grandmother on the phone and he took the phone and began to hit with it and threw the phone… he noticed me and demanded I go with him. I still wonder what would’ve happened if I did. I ended up running back upstairs in fear, and to this day I have issues with men raising their voices at me, as I will instantly start crying even though I have no reason to be crying. I later discovered my day had spent our college fund to support his cocaine addiction… I grew up not knowing anything about my father, not even his knowing his birthday or middle name. I don’t recommend any single parent, no matter what they did, to completely erase the existence of your child's other parent. This has left me in distress pondering what my other half is and you don’t feel whole because there's another identity that is linked to your DNA and you have no knowledge about them… it's terrifying and it's a burden I wish on no one.

We spent our childhood being raised by my single mother who worked up to 7 days a week sometimes to be able to provide for us. It’s a difficult situation, I wish I could have had a better bond with my mother, but this has caused her to be distant from us from the number of hours she would be gone working. Most days if we weren’t at school or in daycare, we would be living at my grandmother's house and acted as another parent to us. She treated us so special and I’ve realized this now being in my 20’s. My grandmother witnessed it all from behind the scenes and I knew she wanted us to have a normal childhood and she spoiled us where she could. I envision her as my mother only for the caring and nurturing aspect… I never knew how to say, “love you,” until I said it to her because it didn’t seem right to me to not say it.

Fast forward to high school… we tended to move a lot and our final move together was to Vancouver. I changed schools and this was exciting at first because it felt like an adventure, but this later led to bullying. I was transferred at the end of my year of grade 8. I was a great student, but the move had me struggling to catch up as the work they were doing was ahead of the level I was at from my old school. It also didn’t help be in constant fear of not being able to make any new friends or feel as though you were a target for being the ‘new kid.’ I started to befriend the wrong people because I was desperate at this point to have someone by my side. The bullying became so bad that I was afraid to go to attend class because I didn’t want to be targeted that day. Now girls who bully are more viscous comparing it to guys how usually just have physical altercations. People would spread rumors about you, talk behind your back, point out things you were insecure about, pick on you in front of everyone to make them look better, and sometimes would get physical. This led to being a very shy and quiet person, some would say ‘mute,’ compared to the young child, happy, full of aspirations, the child that was altered tormented to be this way. I was afraid to speak up for myself because I hated altercations and causing a bigger scene, so I just took the punches and stayed silent.

I was considered to be a late bloomer and this was one of the things I was targeted for, so I would be called anorexic and flat. This took a huge toll on my self-esteem wear some days I would go home and cry. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about this, so I just kept it to myself and this affected my mental health later on. I was punched in the boob for wearing a bra that was thought to be stuffed full of padding… well, this was false because that definitely hurt. I was afraid to change in front of the other girls in the changing room in fear that I was always being looked at and judged. Eventually, the bully got so bad that I went to my high school counselor to have someone to talk to about this. They did anything, but it did feel better to have someone to talk to and cry to at the end of an incident. Around this time I started looking at other options like homeschooling, but this was a fantasy because it would not have worked out. Then it was the first time I had suicide cross my mind, but once grade 12 came around I focused on myself and distancing myself from the “friends” I thought would be good for me. I started getting into fitness and slowly started to see the results and this was very rewarding. I had a healthier nerdy/ gamer group around me and things started looking up.

I ended up moving out at the age of 17 to go live on my own closer to the college I was attending at the time. I was working, volunteering, and studying. The stress has begun to build up and it was about to burst.

Fast forward to when I was planning to move to Edmonton, AB. I was in a 3-year long relationship at the time and I was in the worst mental state I had ever been in. I now understand looking back that I wasn’t treated well and there was a lot of manipulation going on. We decided to move to his hometown together because his family was very supportive of making sure of mental health was taken care of. So, since I was head over heels of what I thought was a loving relationship, I ended up packing up my life and moving there with him. Overall, I had his family helping me with certain things that I will go over in a Podcast… and I have never been more grateful and this teaches those who have been hurt many times before to have more faith in other people again.

Trigger Warning:
I started seeking therapy and this is where “pandora's” box has been opened. Everything you’ve been bottling up that has never yet been discussed or openly talked about with anyone had caused me to go into a dark depression. I had issues with wanting to conflict pain on myself, like cutting, because I wanted to feel something, as I was so numb and didn’t have any feeling besides the heavyweight on my heart. I never condone anyone doing this, this does not help in any way and only causes more issues. I also contemplated suicide by having the idea of taking pills, but once I told my partner at the time this, they took me to a psychiatrist where I would be completely honest about my intentions. They prescribed me an antidepressant and I've been on this same one to this day.

I am in a very good place in my life and this story I wrote has a lot of unanswered gaps and I can gladly go over this better in a video or on my podcast, ‘The Sociable.’ I hope my story gave you a better insight into what some individuals are struggling with because people can go through so much and you can’t keep that weight on your shoulders… one day you will crack and that's what happened to me and I am grateful for the support group I had in order to get me the help I needed. I am in a new relationship with someone who treats me like no other has and has no judgment towards my past. They understood me and sometimes that's all somebody needs. I hope you all enjoyed my Story, so if you want to stay in touch then you can find me @thesociablepodcast or @sydneelallan :)