My Story: Sarah

Age 2 was the first time I exhibited signs of what would eventually be diagnosed as Trichotillomania (A hair pulling obsessive-compulsive disorder). Only I predominantly just pulled from my eyelashes. It was a condition nobody understood but one that I learned to accept as years went by. At age 5 my parents separated & my mum began a relationship with a man who we quickly discovered was a violent, abusive alcoholic. Horrific abuse ensued & that’s when I started showing signs of another condition called Dermatillomania (A skin picking obsessive-compulsive disorder). I was pretty withdrawn growing up but hid what was going on behind closed doors exceptionally well. Aged 14 we finally were able to break free from the environment we were in & I lead what I’d call a fairly normal life until I reached age 20 & my mum passed away.

This began a dark spiral of events. Suddenly everything I had kept secret from my childhood came flooding back & I felt feelings I had never experienced before, anger, upset, hatred, rage, this along with losing my mum was too much to deal with. I went out, got drunk & met a group of individuals that I thought were the first real friends that I’d ever had. That very night they offered me free drugs & alcohol, saying how amazing I’d feel & I did in fact feel amazing. This was to be the start of a nasty drink & drug addiction that lasted around 12 months. I did fairly well to mask the mess my life was in, I’d wake up & find I had self-harmed while high & one night I saw Zombies chasing me, to me this was absolutely real & happening, an off duty police officer found me sitting on a bridge where I live rocking forwards toward moving traffic below & the next day while waking up in a secure unit it hit me like a train that I’d really messed up, I may have felt amazing getting high at the time but all the blackness, all the darkness, it was still there when the high was gone. It wasn’t getting rid of it, it was simply putting off the inevitable of waking up & having to go through all this again & I was done.

A full year of intense therapy & getting clean followed while getting various diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & Binge Eating Disorder.

After the drink & drug recovery, I still struggled to let go of certain feelings & finally I made a life-changing decision. I’d forgive those who had hurt me so badly. I realized that I had only been hurting myself by not letting go of all these rotten feelings that had eaten me alive for so long & instantly I felt an immediate sense of freedom.

Then my current boyfriend walked into my life & I felt a whole new set of feelings that I had never experienced before. Only these feelings were warm, happy feelings & instead of getting high on drugs I was busy getting high on love.

These last 3 years with him I reflect back with a sense of achievement, I have overcome a lot in my fairly short 33 years. This man had picked up a small fragile girl & molded them into a strong, independent, fun-loving ball of joy who is in love with life every single day. I tell him I appreciate him & reply with a simple “You did this, not me” & I guess he’s right... I did.

Sure I won’t say life is perfect. But I’m a working progress. I’m still broadening my knowledge, learning about lots of different things. I’m building my own mental health brand & I’m working on building my own self-confidence more.
But that’s the thing right. Never stop growing. Never stop learning & never stop loving.

Don’t waste your future happiness looking back on your past sadness.
Life is for living, so treasure it & live it to the fullest.