My Story: Anonymous Member 4

Hello everyone! I am so excited to be able to share my story with all of you! I just read a few incredible stories that some of you were brave enough to share, and my story is nothing like any of yours! However, I still want to write about it, for my sake as well as everyone else's who struggle in silence every day, too ashamed to openly talk about how we feel.

I think I started becoming depressed my senior year of high school, but it was a vague feeling, and I did not really think much about it. I made it through freshman year of college without any issues, and after thinking that freshman year was WAY EASIER than I had anticipated, three more years seemed like it would be a piece of cake! I was SO WRONG!!!

It was only a few days after I wrapped up classes that I started feeling extremely suicidal. I was on a trip with a few other members of my family and a close friend of ours to visit her daughter in another state when all of these really dark thoughts crept into my brain. I had been struggling with reproductive health for several years while being too ashamed and embarrassed to talk to a professional who was actually educated on the matter, so I suffered in silence, although I knew something was clearly wrong with my body. Anyway, I blamed my dark thoughts on this particular issue and carried on with life. The few times I mentioned wanting to commit suicide to my mom was met with responses like "People who say they want to commit suicide just want attention" and "Get over it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself." Knowing that this was how my family felt led me into a spiral of stigma and shame. I researched ways to die and would fall asleep at night comforting myself with the thought that I would soon be dead. Needless to say, I didn't die, because I am sitting here writing this!

I never tried to commit suicide. Yeah, I did find a scarf or something just to see how it felt tightened around my neck, but I never actually attempted anything. I barreled through my sophomore year with severe depression, but I made it! The suicidal feelings would come and go, but I have not had them since last summer! I really wanted to drop out of college the summer between sophomore and junior year, because I was unhappy with my major, but a really special and kind professor somehow inspired me to keep going. While I never told her how I felt, until a few days ago, the thought of never seeing her again or being able to talk to her, drew me back to college for junior year. To me, she is one of the KINDEST people in the world, and I could tell her anything without judgment or fear.

Currently, I am a junior (who would still like to drop out), but my super supportive friends and this particular professor have kept me going with their love and encouragement. I have a great family, don't get me wrong! They have sacrificed so much and given me so many incredible opportunities- I have really been blessed. I just wish that I could talk about how I felt mentally and physically without them not wanting to hear it!

Through this journey, I have realized that mental health and reproductive health are still too stigmatized in our society, and I think that a lot of it has to do with education. While I am still not 100% happy with the college degrees that I am pursuing, I now know that there is nothing to be ashamed of in your life! Don't let people keep you from sharing your stories or being vulnerable and getting the love and support you need. I don't want ANYONE to ever feel like their life is worthless and that they need to end it. I really want to de-stigmatize mental health and reach out to anyone who is suffering. Humans are incredibly resilient and talented, and I don't think that anyone deserves to be silenced or ashamed of how they truly feel. Mental health and reproductive health are important components of our bodies, and we need to be educated and informed about the facts and what could go wrong!

I wish each of you the best of luck in your future endeavors. Thank you for reading my story, and thank you to Mariah for starting this website where we can all share how we truly feel without stigma or judgment! Lots of love and support to all of you!!!